


Patiently heal you, Patiently unreel you

by yakutori



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Lots of Angst, M/M, Suicide mention, descriptions of death, idk i just want yall to cry, mental deterioration, slight drug abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:13:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3467255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yakutori/pseuds/yakutori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was nothing as heartbreaking or as frustrating in that moment than not being able to comfort Daichi.</p><p>Sugawara visibly flinched back at the sharp reminders of his cruel, meaningless existence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Patiently heal you, Patiently unreel you

**Author's Note:**

> WOW OKAY THIS WAS INSPIRED BY SONGS. uh there's a playlist that goes along with this [here](http://8tracks.com/baoziandthighs/ghost-au-mix) and each song has a meaning even if it's not explicitly stated in the fic, but it's more of bonus than anything else. Also, the title is from Lofticries by Purity Ring cause those lines suit the story in all honesty. This is honestly just hardcore angst and I wrote it late at night with the help of Kat (and I honestly wouldn't have gotten any of it done without those ideas). What else is there to say about it?  
> There ARE descriptions of death and major character death here!! That's like, really important that you all know! If any of that isn't your cup of tea (esp mentions of suicide), then you might not want to read. Anyways, enjoy(?)

Daichi let out another heavy sigh, flipping through various TV channels before settling on a cooking show that was making simple dishes seem exciting to make. He wasn’t really paying attention, but maybe the show would do him well by making him hungry since he seemed to have lost his actual appetite long ago. Sugawara’s eyes settled on him, a frown marring his face as he dwelled on whether or not Daichi could continue on like this, in a constant state of moping about. The apartment was in a state of disarray, with dust settling onto everything like a second skin and trash thrown about although it was cleaned up irregularly.

“These are more of your thing then they are mine. You’re the better cook,” Daichi’s words held a hint of bitterness in them, but Sugawara was keen enough to pick up the underlying tone of longing in them. The silver haired man reached out to touch Daichi, but pulled back last minute, rethinking his actions. “I know,” was all he said quietly in response. The silence in the air hung heavily, suffocating Sugawara as he struggled to stop himself from making this a bigger deal than it needed to be.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m alright.”

“I miss you.”

Sugawara paused, not knowing what to say. He stared at the floor, trying to push back his own selfish feelings of self-pity and focused back on Daichi. The tears welling up in his lover’s eyes before spilling over his gaunt cheeks put a lump in his throat that he couldn’t swallow back down no matter how hard he tried. What could he even say that would bring comfort in the moment? He couldn’t do anything to help either and it was killing him. Well, figuratively.

“Why aren’t you here?” Daichi choked out.

“But, I am, I’m right in front of you! I’m _here!_ ”

Daichi sighed again, this one shakier than the last had been as he brought his knees up to his chest and curled into a ball on their tiny couch. Sugawara’s heart ached at the sight of the normally happy man looking so lost and broken and cursed himself for not being more helpful when he was needed most.

“I guess I’ll go visit you tomorrow. I haven’t seen you in almost a week.”

Sugawara tried to lay his hand on top of Daichi’s that was on the couch, but his hand went through his lover’s.

“I can’t believe it’s been a month since you died.”

Sugawara visibly flinched back at the sharp reminders of his cruel, meaningless existence. It has been twenty-six days since he had died (he’d been keeping track using the calendar that Daichi told them was useless in the apartment since they used their phones, but Sugawara insisted on having), and each day got harder on him. He had been driving home from studying late at his college for his graduate degree finals when a car hit him head-on. As he looked down upon his mangled body, awakening just in time to see it being put onto a stretcher after being pried from the totaled car, he knew that he had died on impact without the paramedics even needing to say a word. It had taken him days before he struggled to accept that he was a ghost and that _something_ was keeping him here, or at least that’s what he assumed had happened since he wasn’t resting peacefully. One look at Daichi’s face as he ran into the hospital half-crazed look in his frantic eyes when the man rushed into the hospital after hearing the news told him all he needed to know about why he wasn’t allowed to pass on.

He could attempt some things if he tried hard enough, like a poltergeist, but it the amount of energy it took to do one simple task, such as opening a cupboard, left him drained and tired for the rest of the day. Could ghosts even feel lethargic and waste their energy?

Once he had used up all his energy just to bring out one of the sappy letters he wrote Daichi meaning to throw it away, but the other boy had found it before that could happen and teased Sugawara for it. The letter was meant to remind Daichi that everything was going to be alright, but instead it ended up making the man cry harder than he already was, being acutely reminded that his loved one was gone. There was nothing as heartbreaking or as frustrating in that moment than not being able to comfort Daichi.

Thinking back on it, Sugawara was beginning to get furious at how pathetically helpless he was in being able to allow Daichi to move on with his life and bring himself back together. He was angry at himself, and even a bit at his lover. The minute the living boy crossed the threshold of the apartment, Sugawara began screaming.

“Why can’t you just let me go, you _selfish fucking idiot_?! I _hate_ being here and watching you, but not being able to do anything! Move on from me, I’m gone, I’m not coming back no matter how much you want me to!” Sugawara tried to punch the wall, but ended up tripping as his arm went straight through it. “See?! I’m sick of this bullshit you’re putting me through!”

“Why did you have to die?! Tell me that!” Daichi punch the wall hard enough to for the skin to tear, but he didn’t even think about the consequences as he continued yelling. “Why did you leave me all alone, asshole? I hate you!”

The silver haired boy let the tears roll down his face even if he couldn’t feel them. Was that how Daichi really felt about him?

“I just…” Sugawara hiccupped through his tears, not bothering to wipe them away. Who was going to see? “I just want you to tell me it’s going to be okay.” He moved down to sit—more hovering above the ground than actually sitting—next to Daichi who had slid down the wall, cradling his wounded knuckles to his chest and letting the tears fall once again.

“I’m so sorry,” he chanted to the air, “I’m sorry. I love you, so god damn much. So much. I’m sorry.”

Despite the fact that he knew nothing would come of it, Sugawara wrapped his arms around Daichi’s shoulders and hummed to him. It was soothing, the song that he used to sing when they were both younger and Daichi came to him looking for solace and comfort. He yearned so badly just to have the chance for them to hold each other one more time, but hope was something that was out of his grasp now.

Daichi had been cooped up in the tiny little apartment that reminded him so much of his decreased love, refusing to leave unless it was absolutely necessary. It hurt Sugawara to know that his own funeral wasn’t deemed important enough to leave the house for, but he reasoned that he probably wouldn’t have been able to attend Daichi’s if it had been the other way around. In those first two weeks, Sugawara almost forgot he was a ghost considering how often he would be addressed as if he was still living. He was convinced a few times that Daichi could actually see him when he called out to Sugawara that dinner was ready or that their favorite movie was on.

“Sugawara, it’s your favorite for dinner! Spicy mapo tofu!”

The two of them had sat at the table together in complete silence, and it reminded the ghost of the times when they would normally have dinner together, enjoying each other’s company. Daichi would get rice stuck on the corner of his lip due to his overzealous appetite while his lover would laugh and point it out. Those were the days that the both of them longed for again. Ones where the simple pleasures of life lead to the happiest moments.

Daichi was pulled out to lunch by a few of his and Sugawara’s high school friends the next day. They claimed that he needed to get fresh air and to be surrounded by a different atmosphere to start feeling like himself again. He was dragged to the restaurant even though he voiced many complaints, and Sugawara rejoiced when the other boy finally gave in and allowed their friends to treat him to something out of his usual schedule. The dark haired boy had zoned out the entire time his friends chattered, occasionally offering a single word when asked his opinion, noting that even the café’s food tasted bland when it used to be his favorite.

“Daichi, we didn’t see you at the funeral. Is everything alright?”

“What funeral? Sugawara’s not dead. I refuse to believe it. He just… he left for a while and then he’s coming back.”

Sugawara cried out in anguish. He didn’t know _this_ was why he was still being called to back home. He had deluded himself into accepting that it was natural for someone to call out to a dead lover. Their friends looked at each other.

“Daichi… Sugawara is definitely dead. He’s not going to come back.”

The dark haired male slammed his fists on the table, silverware flying onto the floor and water sloshing out of the glasses on the table. “ _He’s coming back!”_ Daichi snarled, throwing a twenty on the table and storming out of the café while Sugawara desperately tried to follow him out and get him to stop. He wasn’t coming back. They both had to accept it.

There were many times where Sugawara would follow Daichi around, just to be sure that he was alright and there was nothing to worry about. There was always a lot to worry about when it came to his lover, but he was unable to help now even if he wanted to. Most days he liked to consider himself a guardian angel rather than a ghost, protecting loved ones and making sure they were safe, but he knew if it came down to it, he would be useless in really saving Daichi. On the days when the silver haired man couldn’t find it in himself to float around, he would find himself curled up on the side of the bed his lover slept on, missing the days when they were both able to sleep next to one another. He would lay there and cry himself to sleep, hoping that one day, something would change and everything would get better. His brain told him not to lie to himself that that.

It was noted that all of Daichi’s smiles were carefully crafted into a seamless fake enthusiasm that satisfied those who were on the receiving end with the false understanding that he was slowly healing. The only time that his smile broke through the dark clouds of his self-hate was when the ghost boy used all his strength in making it seem like the stereo in the kitchen had turned on by accident when a spice container from the shelf above fell and hit it. It was the jazz CD that Sugawara had liked to listen to while he cooked and would mockingly make Daichi dance with him in grandiose movements as the two of them giggled about it later. The living boy was startled, but closed his eyes, soaking in the music. He slid one foot out, eyes still closed, and moved in time, pretending he was dancing with a partner to the swinging beats the saxophone soloist played. The silver haired boy moved into the empty space, the dance moves coming to him like second nature. They stopped dancing when the track played and Daichi mockingly gave a bow, laugh mixing with Sugawara’s as they both enjoyed the performance put on. It ended too quickly, though, sobering the living boy up as he opened his eyes and shut off the music with a sigh.

“That was your favorite track, wasn’t it?”

Sugawara cried again after he was sure Daichi had left the kitchen.

A week and a half later, Sugawara sat on top of his grave stone, eyes zeroed in on Daichi’s face, searching for the right answers despite knowing he wouldn’t receive any. Was there a right answer for what he was going to do? He wasn’t sure anymore. All he knew was that the two of them being together was too painful for him. Maybe one day he would be able to pass on, to feel at peace enough with where his lover was at that he could eternally rest and be content. Love was a heavy burden on him. As Daichi turned his back, he almost could have sworn he heard an “ _I’m sorry. I’ll wait for you.”_ on the wind, but it sounded too close to Sugawara’s voice for it to have been real.

Two seasons passed by Sugawara as he wandered about, waiting until the day he could pass on. It was fall, with the leaves fading colors and falling away, twirling around until they hit the ground. It would have been his last year of graduate school if he had still been alive and the sight of the students walking around made him wistful for the life he was not able to lead anymore. It was late morning when he saw it, swinging from the entryway of his old bedroom he hadn’t seen in the months since he left. He visited with a nagging feeling telling him that something was wrong, but _this._

Daichi sat on the bed, a glass of water and a bottle in his hands, a belt attached over the doorframe with their tiny step stool used to reach the higher kitchen cabinets underneath the door as well. Sugawara panicked, rushing over the man, pleading to anyone listening to help stop the pain of losing the one person he still loved. He couldn’t die, not when Sugawara had yet to pass on. Being alone scared him the most, the isolation of knowing that Daichi really hadn’t been able to move on from him and be happy. He was the one still holding his lover back from continuing forward in life and _living._ The dark haired man deserved to live and be happy, not end his life because he had not reconciled that Sugawara was never going to come back to him.

Using all his strength, Sugawara pushed the bottle out of Daichi’s hands, praying that it would give him a hint to not go through with it, to stop and reconsider all he had to live for. Prescribed sleep aids rolled in all directions as the bottle hit the floor, but it didn’t faze the male. With a calmness that almost seemed serene in nature, he just got down and scooped up a handful, taking a swig out of the glass of water in his hand. Sugawara panicked, trying one last time to grab his wrist, but his hand just running through as easy as water. He screamed as he watched Daichi tilt his head back and swallow the handful, before running blindly out of the apartment feeling sick. He needed to get help, somehow, anyhow, but in the back of his head, he knew he was too late. He was going to be alone forever because he wasn’t even sure he would be able to pass on at all knowing he was the one who forced his lover into this mess by dying in the first place. If only he had never went out to study late that night.

His morbid curiosity is what brought him back later in the evening, with the sliver of hope that someone had reached Daichi and got him to the hospital before it was too late. He felt disgusted by his lack of surprise seeing the man’s body swinging in the doorway to their room, lifeless with the step stool kicked off to one side, bottle of pills still on the ground where they were this morning. He was surprised, however, to see someone sitting on the bed, head in his hands as silent tears rolled down his cheeks. Sugawara moved to sit next to him, placing an arm on his lower back and rubbing gently while humming a light tune. As tragic as the scene was, he let out a bittersweet smile.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to listen to the song that originally inspired my idea for the fic, it's called "Don't Be Afraid, You're Already Dead" by Akron/Family!


End file.
